Growing up and being told constantly that you’re not normal, seriously destroys yourself esteem. I am a girl in my late teens who was born into a family of seven girls and a boy. There was nothing so special about being a daughter in my family as I have been tagged abnormal, according to my family members and the society at large.
A victim of emotional and verbal abuse since when I could remember my parents made me
know and believe that something was wrong with me physically and their words were confirmed by
various medical opinions given by different doctors
High riding patella, ocular torticollis scoliosis squint are just a few of the many medical terms doctors
have used to define me physically abnormal, that simply means I don’t walk and stand and look like an average 19 year old. I am in constant physical pains. Sometimes, unable to move at will unless assisted. With all these physical and internal pains, I am constantly ridiculed by strangers
friends and most of my family members who feel embarrassed by me.. Being called an embarrassment by my siblings and parents,
With compounding medical issues and increasing pain my mind began to play games with me.
Hide and seek everyday I found sadness and pain after 13years of being called the family
embarrassment. These feelings and emotions built up and I finally accepted it as my fate. Then I told myself that they were right, after all they were the majority.
You see, I never grew up in a home where I was affirmed. I was never good enough I never did anything right no matter how hard I tried. I convinced myself that I did not deserve anything good. In the game of hide and seek happiness was well hidden from me while sadness I always found. They who abused me and made me feel worthless went on to blame and criticise me for my feelings which they tagged low self esteem. I built my life and interactions on next level sad and depressing music. It was as if the lyrics spoke to my soul, giving me the comfort I so desperately sought for.
Having had enough of these pains, I decided to end it all. Since all the health issues were too cowardly to put me out of my misery and anyways I would be doing the world a favour by getting rid of a worthless waste so to speak, as for my family, well I would be saving my father a lot of money as he would no longer have to pay my never ending medical bills and I would be getting rid of the family embarrassment.
So it was a win win for everyone. Anyways they have six other daughters whom I was nothing compared to and would easily replace me.
At some point the thought of hell and all that could put a stop to peoples plans well not
me because I was already leaving in my own personal hell here on earth so how bad could hell really be.
My suicide plan was not one of those spur of the moment ,the pain is too much, I can’t take it anymore, Google ways to comitt suicide kind of thing … I didn’t need Google to tell me how to kill myself I knew how I wanted to die, exactly how I wanted to end it all I even had a specific date in mind. 12th September 2012, was my end it appointment, Ironically here I am today.
My depression did not just go away, the suicidal thoughts did not just vanish . Recovery for me is a journey . Or that's what I like to think or why else did I have cuts on my skin and marks on my thighs. Why am I standing here with a knife in my hand contemplating if my suicide note should be written in blood or fabricated with lies.
Written by
Theconflictedwriter